Vicious July 1994 - Sakura

Being a human, though maybe the image is gotten from opening the doors of human living one by one, but I'm the opposite of that. When I was little, with the most open situation, I think to be an adult. I should close the door. I filled up my brain's databank with a bunch of knowledge, so my feeling become weaker. When I wanted to do some kind of activities, I thought about the plans, I also thought about bad things that might be happen.

So, I want to open such door. I want to deliver my feeling. Such situation is interesting. Musician who leave their names in music history, also open the door. For example, Jimi Hendrix. When I watchd his live, there were things I can't explain. I only felt that. At that time I only think about the drummer Mitch Michelle (laugh). If Jimi Hendrix was die in young age, the music history will be changed a lot. There are also Janis Joplin and John Lennon, who open the door in unusual ways. For me, people like them give influences in being a human. For that purpose, surely I have to open the door.

Of course I got a lot of influences. But actually who gave the influences to me? Well, I can't find the answer. Basically, it wa smy parents and my relatives, Laruku's member, friends, various people gave me so much of influencees that mixed up, so I can be like this now. When I met Laruku's member, it's maybe the biggest turning point in my life. I think I got many influences. But, it's not only that.

For example, when I'm 100% myself, I can't accept the 99% influenced by other people. My stance won't change. For example, if there's a girl that I like a lot, it will be hurt if we broke up. Though it makes anger, sadness, and many kinds of feelings, that's all related to ego, I think. If someone hurts my pride I'll get angry, if a girl I like can't be with me, it can make me sad. If it's traced to the beginning, it's all because of ego. Of course because I'm a human, sometimes I don't have the same opinion with the others. If I think about it calmly, about the cause of the problem I had with others, but maybe I can fix it, so it's unnecessary to get really mad at others. It will be good if there's a chance to walk along with friends, but if I can't walk with them, I'll think, "This person is different with me". The event around me in this recording time is, my 2 friends were died. The one is a friend that I'm not often meet with, when I met that person one day, a week after, that person commited suicide. Though my other frinds cried, I didn't. Because that's the way that person chose. My other friend who also died is my good friend who always be with me, I cried hard when that person died. But it's only for 5 minutes. But I only cried at the moment, because that person can't live anymore. That person still lives in my memory. Maa if I leave this world, maybe I'll meet that person.

If I have a strong faith in this situation, I think I can't be influenced. Because of that, things that being a person's turning point, maybe it won't go with me. If a person happy because he/she only changes his/her outward appearance, it can be a problem. Of course in one's turning point, there's a time we can't close the door, it can be me that close the door, it can be closed itself... That will make a big change, I think. So, a person that has changed 99% is a type of person that close the door. A person that closes the door maybe a person that doesn't care.

For example, if there's a lot of delicious food in front of me, if my stomach is empty, I'll want to eat. But if there's some food that can't be eaten for some reasons, I'll think, "Aa, I'm a kind of person that can't eat". "I'll eat later", a person who only thinks about food, a person that only thinks to collect money is a kind o person that close the door. Shortly it can be said like that. But there's a kind of situation that makes us have to close the door, at that time it will be fine if I close the door. The point is there's a time that it'll be good if I open the door.

thx to bananavocado and matsu who provide the article scan ^__^